ACT ONE
FADE IN
INT: GILMORE HOUSE, RORYS ROOM - MORNING
Lorelai lies on her stomach, awake and in pain. The phone starts RINGING. Lorelai GROANS. She tries to move but can't manage it. Instead she glares at the phone.
- LORELAI
- Whoever you are, I'm currently unavailable at the moment due to the worst pain I've ever known and yes lying here helpless isn't exactly the Bahamas-type feel I wanted for Friday morning.
The phone goes on.
- LORELAI
- God, who would be inflicting this torture on me? My daughter is CLEARLY not talking to me, Michel's too lazy to do this, Sookie's too busy to call, Luke thinks the longer you're on the phone, the earlieryou'll die. Who does that leave?
- (pause; whispering)
- Monica Reyes.
The phone stops. Lorelai is left with disconcerting silence. It gets to her...and she makes herself move.
CUT TO:
INT: DINER - MINUTES LATER
Monica hangs up the phone and turns around to find Luke right behind her.
- LUKE
- (annoyed)
- Who were you calling?
- MONICA
- Does it matter? They didn't pick up anyway.
- LUKE
- Why wont you leave? I've told you a thousand times that I don't want you here.
- MONICA
- I'm ignoring you. Like you've chosen to ignore the part of your brain that is telling you you're being a total ASS.
Monica shoves past Luke again. He follows her around the counter to Kirk's table where Monica cleans up.
- MONICA
- Ok, so the following around is a little creepy so would you mind knocking it off?
- LUKE
- You could opt to leave.
Monica takes Kirk's unfinished plate out from under him.
- MONICA
- Not happening.
- KIRK
- Ah, I hate to interrupt but--
- LUKE
- --here I was thinking Lorelai was the most arrogant and stubborn person in town. Looks like you took her crown.
- MONICA
- Aww. Luke rhymed again.
- LUKE
- Sarcastic too.
- KIRK
- I wasn't finished--
- MONICA
- --your pea brain sure knows how to pick 'em.
- LUKE
- You two make a good pair. Maybe you should hook up.
Monica shoves the plate at Luke, spilling the breakfast all over his shirt. She limps off.
- LUKE
- I'm not paying you!
- MONICA
- I know. This is about spite now.
- KIRK
- Does this mean I get a free breakfast?
CUT TO:
INT: INN, KITCHEN/FOYER - MORNING
MICHEL walks in and heads directly for SOOKIE, who bandages a chefs finger while two other chefs look on.
- MICHEL
- Where is Lorelai?
The chefs rush back to work at the sight of Michel.
- SOOKIE
- She didn't have the best night--
- MICHEL
- --oh, poor Lorelai. She can't get to work on time. Boo hoo.
- SOOKIE
- Hey.
- (pause)
- It's getting a little ridiculous.
- MICHEL
- A little? It's beyond ridiculous. So I'm organizing a meeting to have Monica Reyes removed from the Inn. She is obviously too much of a distraction to Lorelai.
- SOOKIE
- You can't remove her. She hasn't done anything wrong.
- MICHEL
- I'm working twice as hard to keep this place running because Lorelai is so taken by her new friend.
- SOOKIE
- (sarcastically)
- You working?
Michel scoffs.
- SOOKIE
- Look, take it easy on her when she comes in. Things came out at the town meeting and--
Michel's intrigued.
- MICHEL
- Things? What kind of things? What happened?
Lorelai enters in the clothes she slept in - looking worse for wear. Michel and Sookie see her.
- MICHEL
- Well, nice to see you could--
- LORELAI
- --Michel, don't start. Just get back to the front desk please.
- MICHEL
- Sookie was just about to tell me--
- SOOKIE
- I was just about to tell him that we're going to need to place an ad in the gazette for a new head chef, because the guys are injuring themselves without Roberto.
- (sadly)
- I miss my klutz tag already.
- LORELAI
- (firmly)
- Now that you know, you can go back to the front desk.
- MICHEL
- (defensively)
- There's no need to--
- LORELAI
- --Michel!
Michel sulks past her. Lorelai makes a slow way to Sookie and eases herself down on a bar stool.
- SOOKIE
- Everything okay?
- LORELAI
- (quickly)
- Rory wasn't there when I woke up. I can't move without pain because my neck's killing me from both sleeping in Rory's armchair and tripping over my own two feet and to top it all off, three different people stopped me in the car park to ask me if I was moving to San Francisco. The reason I DROVE was to stay away from all the rumors -- so I think I'm allowed to be a bit pissy.
The three junior chefs look her way. She glares back.
- LORELAI
- Which one of you wants to follow Roberto's lead and get fired?
The trio is silent.
- LORELAI
- Get out of my sight.
They practically trip over each other trying to get out.
- SOOKIE
- Whoa. You should take the day off.
- LORELAI
- I don't need to take the day off! The world's not about to end because the whole town thinks I'm a lesbian!
FOYER
Michel's at the front desk and overhears the revelation. He grins mischievously and starts laughing to himself.
KITCHEN
- LORELAI
- Sookie, you know I'm not gay! Has Kirk been labeled as one because he still lives with his Mom and has a weird fascination with Barbie dolls? No. I didn't see anyone questioning Luke's sexuality while we were at the meeting! He's never been married and he wears pants! Does that make him a raging homosexual?
- SOOKIE
- Of course not.
- LORELAI
- I've been friends with Monica for a day and all it has given me is a head ache, a neck ache and the towns attention. I don't want to be the girl that everyone is whispering about.
- SOOKIE
- First of all--you're not a girl. You're a woman.
Lorelai doesn't lighten up.
- SOOKIE
- Don't drop Monica because the town thinks there's something more to your friendship. YOU know that there's nothing going on and that's all that matters. Right?
Lorelai ponders something.
- LORELAI
- You didn't say anything about me wearing her shirt, did you?
- SOOKIE
- You think that I started the rumors?
- LORELAI
- No, of course not.
- SOOKIE
- I didn't voice my opinion that you slept with her to anyone.
- LORELAI
- Sookie, don't mention it. Even to me.
- SOOKIE
- Right. Sorry.
- LORELAI
- (quietly)
- It's okay? Just promise me you'll have lots of coffee ready. This day sucks already and it's only going to get worse.
- SOOKIE
- I can't convince you to go home?
- LORELAI
- I can't convince myself.
CUT TO:
INT: CHILTON HALLWAY - DAY
RORY drags herself down the hallway. She sees PARIS approaching and pulls out her phone to pretend she's talking to someone.
- RORY
- Hey mom, did you want to--
- PARIS
- --can it Gilmore, I know you're faking it. How stupid do you think I am?
Rory grudgingly pulls the phone from her ear.
- PARIS
- Where have you been? We have to discuss your article for the next Franklin edition because--
- RORY
- --why do we have to discuss it now? The meeting's on Tuesday.
- PARIS
- I thought you might like a heads up on the articles I want the group to write for the next edition. You could take your pick--
- RORY
- --I'm sure I'll be fine with whatever you deem me to have.
- PARIS
- Fine. As vice-president I thought you cared that the reputation of Chilton is on the line every time I let those chimpanzees have a pencil to use. You proved yourself with that article on concrete.
- RORY
- So therefore I'll be able to write an intelligent and in depth article on ANYTHING--after the meeting. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get to economics class--thankfully a class we DON'T share.
Rory picks up her pace, leaving Paris behind. Rory looks at her phone. She has no messages, leaving her bothered.
CUT TO:
INT: INN, HALLWAY - DAY
A cleaned up Lorelai slowly heads up the hallway and finds Michel has cornered a BELLBOY.
- MICHEL
- Make sure you are there or don't bother getting up to put on that tasteless uniform.
- BELLBOY
- But--
- MICHEL
- --but nothing! Make sure you are there.
Lorelai reaches them, surprising Michel.
- LORELAI
- Where's there?
- MICHEL
- Nowhere.
- (to Bell boy)
- You are welcome to go now.
Bell Boy moves to go but Lorelai stops him.
- LORELAI
- Hang on--what's Michel going on about?
Michel blatantly glares at Bell Boy, who cowers in fear.
- BELL BOY
- Nothing.
- LORELAI
- Nothing?
- BELL BOY
- Nothing.
Lorelai looks at both Michel and Bell Boy. They stare back at her in silence.
- LORELAI
- (to bell boy)
- Off you go then.
He runs off. Lorelai steps closer to Michel, backing him into the corner.
- LORELAI
- Whatever you're up to, I WILL find out. I've got my eye on you.
Michel stands tall despite the threat.
- LORELAI
- Don't step out of line.
Lorelai walks off, rubbing her neck. Michel BREATHES out in relief.
CUT TO:
INT: ROOM 18 - A MINUTE LATER
Lorelai enters and finds the room empty. She shuts the door and spots the closed bathroom door.
- LORELAI
- Monica? Are you in the bathroom? Please don't come out in a towel. Look, I think we just need to talk about what we're going to do about--well about what's going around town.
It's silent.
- LORELAI
- Great. You're not even here to fight with.
CUT TO:
INT: DINER - DAY
The diner's busy. Monica limps over to a table near Luke and takes his hat off her head. He looks hopeful. Monica puts it back on her head -- the wrong way around, a la Luke -- and Luke shoots daggers at her. She smiles triumphantly before looking down at ANDREW.
- MONICA
- Hi Andrew. How's your morning been?
- ANDREW
- (cautiously)
- Ah, good.
- MONICA
- (concerned)
- Everything okay?
- ANDREW
- It's just...
- MONICA
- What?
- ANDREW
- I'm a little...
- MONICA
- Lost for words this morning?
- ANDREW
- Living here in Stars Hollow, there isn't much of an alternative life style around.
Monica rolls her eyes.
- ANDREW
- So I'm a little nervy about talking to you.
- MONICA
- Andrew, I'm not--
- ANDREW
- --it's okay that you are. I mean, I'm not against it. I've actually had the craziest inkling to buy tickets for Lilith Fair. Are you going this year?
- MONICA
- (sharply)
- No I'm not.
- ANDREW
- Oh, right. Still a touchy subject. You're still dealing with the whole coming out of the closet part.
- MONICA
- No I'm not. There's no closet to speak of, there's no inkling to see Sarah McLachlan sing one of her horribly soppy ballads and there's no reason why you should assume I'm a lesbian.
- ANDREW
- Are you not knocking boots with Lorelai?
- MONICA
- What?! If you didn't get the message last night, I stood on a broken wine bottle so I wont be knocking boots with anyone for a while!
Several customers look her way as well as Luke.
- LUKE
- Monica, you're making a scene.
- MONICA
- This isn't a scene LUKE. Barbara and Robert leaving each other in 'The Way we Were', that's a scene. Janet Leigh getting knifed in the shower, that's a scene. This is more of an interlude to establish the stupidity of the town.
- LUKE
- Or to establish YOUR stupidity at not seeing what's right in front of you.
- MONICA
- I already know I'm fired!
- ANDREW
- I would've said your--
Monica menacingly points her pencil at him.
- MONICA
- Ever see 'Demolition Man' Andrew?
- ANDREW
- Demolition who?
- MONICA
- It's a movie. You know, Wesley Snipes and Sly Stallone?
She looks around. No one knows what she's talking about. She looks hopefully at Luke.
- LUKE
- I've seen that movie with Julia Roberts in it. Where she makes an ASS out of herself throughout the whole story.
- MONICA
- (angrily)
- What the hell is that supposed to mean?
- LUKE
- Take a guess. You're talking to a bunch of strangers about a Silvester Stallone movie. It can't get any worse than that.
- MONICA
- It will if I shove this pencil in your eye!
- ANDREW
- (gleefully)
- Ah! Demolition Man! Now I get it!
A second passes and Andrew figures it out.
- ANDREW
- (fearfully)
- Point taken.
CUT TO:
INT: KITCHEN - DAY
Sookie and Michel argue in mid conversation.
- SOOKIE
- Michel, you can't do this just because you don't like her. She's a resident here. She's Lorelais friend--well, that's a stretch but they have the potential to be good friends. Don't you remember your last attempt at undermining her through her friends?
- MICHEL
- You mean the last attempt or the one right now?
- SOOKIE
- I didn't agree to anything--
- MICHEL
- --you're THINKING about getting things back to normal. That's only going to happen if Monica Reyes disappears. Life will be much easier for you professionally and personally if the object of Lorelai's lesbian awakening moves on so she can return to her wholesome TV viewing.
- SOOKIE
- Lorelai doesn't watch wholesome TV.
- MICHEL
- See? You didn't say she wasn't a lesbian.
Sookie thinks about this. Lorelai walks in and Michel quickly exits.
- LORELAI
- What's he up to?
- SOOKIE
- You don't wanna know.
Before Lorelai can ask, a phone RINGS. She grabs it out of her pocket and answers--and goes back to holding her neck.
- LORELAI
- Rory?
- (pause)
- Talk to me honey.
- (pause)
- Hello? Look I'm sorry that I--we-- didn't tell you the truth but we didn't think we needed to.
- (pause)
- Rory? Are you there? Come on sweetie. Do you want me to hate her again?
- (pause)
- You can't just go straight to dinner--
Lorelai's cut off by the dial tone. She rips the phone from her ear and repeatedly SLAMS it against the kitchen bench, an action that hurts. Sookie grabs her hand and quickly takes the phone from her.
- SOOKIE
- Lorelai, you need to go sort this out.
- LORELAI
- What I need is my daughter to TALK to me and this God damn town to stop thinking that Monica and I are having a secret fling!
- SOOKIE
- (whispering)
- Well, if you keep shouting it out like that people are bound to overhear and take it the wrong way. Like Michel this morning.
- LORELAI
- What?
- SOOKIE
- He mentioned it a second ago.
- LORELAI
- That little--do you know what he's up to?
Sookie manages to sound and act normal.
- SOOKIE
- He's ALWAYS up to something--but don't worry about it. Go home.
- LORELAI
- I don't trust him enough to go home.
- SOOKIE
- You're no good to us in this condition.
- LORELAI
- I've got a job to do that I've been neglecting because of that damned Monica Reyes--
- SOOKIE
- --hey, isn't she your friend?
- LORELAI
- She's still... I don't know.
- SOOKIE
- The rumors aren't her fault. You don't have to make up for lost time here at work. You're the boss, you can do what you want.
- LORELAI
- I can't.
- SOOKIE
- Lorelai--
- LORELAI
- --she called me because I never called her--
- SOOKIE
- --Rory'll be okay. We'll be okay. Go home.
- LORELAI
- This isn't right--
- SOOKIE
- --ah, no another word.
- LORELAI
- But I'm--
- SOOKIE
- --have you lost your hearing too? Because I thought I just said not another word.
Lorelai's about to protest again but drops it.
- LORELAI
- You'll tell me what he's up to, won't you?
Sookie nods convincingly. Lorelai smiles before exiting.
- SOOKIE
- (to herself)
- He's up to something all right. He's going to get me killed.