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Monica Reyes does Stars Hollow

By rocxmblover

Tease & Act 1
Acts 2-3
Act 4

Lorelai Gilmore & Monica Reyes

ACT TWO

FADE IN

INT: DINER - MORNING

Luke is serving someone. Monica and Miss Patty eat breakfast together. Monica looks up at Luke and he stops to smile at her before continuing into the kitchen.

MISS PATTY: Luke's a nice man.
MONICA: He is--lucky he's a tea man.
MISS PATTY: I don't see the point of the drink personally, but each to their own. So, you're staying at the inn?
MONICA: Yeah--I'm assuming the whole town's heard about the events of Saturday.
MISS PATTY: They have dear. We're not too sure why you and Lorelai got off to such a bad start.
MONICA: Well, our attempt at Moonlighting won't be happening again.
MISSY PATTY: You're leaving so soon?
MONICA: No--we made a deal to completely ignore each other and she doesn't seem like one to break a deal. Or is she unreliable too?
MISS PATTY: She takes pride in keeping her word.
MONICA: Well, I wish she'd keep the bad ones to herself. I guess I'll just have to keep up my end of the bargain.

Monica takes another bite of her pancakes, peering out the window.

MONICA: Do you know if the Gilmores come in on Monday morning?
MISS PATTY: Are you planning to leave before they arrive? Is that a part of the agreement between the two of you?
MONICA: It's not but I'm beginning to think it would've been a better idea. I was in here yesterday and the temperature dropped severely when she arrived.; (pause); Plus I didn't really like Rory choosing me over her mother last night. I don't want to be the reason why they're not spending time together before she leaves for college.
MISS PATTY: I see--but you forgot about Luke.
MONICA: He's torn between Lorelai and me? He hasn't had time to sit down and talk to either of us.
MISS PATTY: He keeps his cards close to his chest dear. According to some, he's a little bit in love with her.

Monica is taken back by that.

MONICA: Oh. I didn't realise I was stepping on anyone's shoes THAT way. Damn.
MISS PATTY: Lorelai wanted to stay friends but the towns waiting.

Monica frowns to herself and Miss Patty catches it.

MISS PATTY: That's not to say he won't move on dear. You two should talk. At least there won't be the possibility of a physical fight ensuing.
MONICA: You're right.
MISS PATTY: Let me tell you something dear. I'm usually right and if I'm proved to be incorrect I'll never admit it. I know that's why I tolerate Taylor so much--because we have that common ground. I thought that you and Lorelai would become great friends because there was some common ground there as well.
MONICA: Common ground? Are you delusional? Hang on, don't answer that.
MISS PATTY: The two of you have a wall of confidence, but I saw the lost look on your face on Saturday and it wasn't just a lack of geographical direction. The two of you are vulnerable things but you pretend not to be. As for being delusional--my Aunts were a little crazy but there was no evidence to prove it, other than my mothers word. Which never could be trusted.

Monica chuckles quietly for a moment and looks down at her pancakes.

MISS PATTY: Try to get along with her--she's a good woman.

Monica looks up at Miss Patty and isn't convinced. Her eyes catch something outside.

MONICA: I'm not going to promise anything.

Miss Patty stands up to leave as Lorelai and Rory enter. Rory spots Monica. She quickly takes off her coat and walks over.

RORY: Hi--so this is my uniform.
MONICA: So it is.; (Monica takes ahold of Rory's sleeve); Nice to meet you uniform. Do you mind if I call you Uni?
RORY: That's pretty casual for someone you just met.
MONICA: (to Rory); You're right.; (to Rory's uniform); I'm sorry Uniform.; (as the uniform; high pitched voice); That's ok. I think we're going to be friends anyway, because of this cool kid that's wearing me.

Rory laughs and Monica lets go of her sleeve to let her sit down. They both look towards Lorelai who's searching for something in her coat pockets.

RORY: Brace yourself--after the stalling she's heading this way.
MONICA: What?
RORY: She's being forced to. Especially after last night.
MONICA: You shouldn't have totally ignored your mother just so we could have dinner together. It was just burgers, not some fancy food.
RORY: Well, maybe if she's sitting at the same table as us, I can keep an eye on her death glares at you.

Rory turns toward Lorelai and ushers her over. Monica mouths a 'great' behind them, smiling as sincere as possible when Rory swings around again.

RORY: Please behave.
MONICA: Tell that to her.
RORY: I already did. My mother has selective hearing.

Lorelai steps into the picture and Monica's eyes dart to her pancakes.

LORELAI: (cheeky); What was that dear?
RORY: Nothing.

A moment passes between them, Lorelai's eyes shifting over her seating options. There's the seat opposite Monica or the one beside her. Lorelai mulls it over until Rory gives up waiting and grabs he mother by the arm, dragging her into the chair opposite Monica.

LORELAI: Ow.
RORY: Was that difficult?
LORELAI: Do you want a truthful answer?
RORY: I'd prefer if you left it as a rhetorical question.
LORELAI: I think for the sake of everyone concerned--

She shoots a quick look at Monica.

LORELAI: --I'll leave it alone.

Rory mouths a 'thank you' at her and turns her attention to Luke, eagerly waving her hand. He notices her, then realises the seating arrangements, shocked enough to rush over.

LUKE: Is everything ok?

Monica looks up at him and smiles unconvincingly.

RORY: Everything's fine, isn't it?
MONICA: Yep. Everything's fine.

Rory kicks Lorelai under the table to wake her up.

LORELAI: Yeah. Everything's fine.
LUKE: Ok. What can I get you two?
RORY: I'll have a coffee and a toasted ham and cheese sandwich to go.
LORELAI: (panicky); Whadda you mean 'to go'?
MONICA: (panicky); Yeah, where are you going?
RORY: School--you know the place that I spend ninety-eight per cent of my time at.
MONICA: But you only just got here!
RORY: Because SOMEONE was dragging their feet this morning.
LORELAI: I was doing no such thing.
RORY: You blatantly told me we were taking the long way here. Which goes against everything in your agreement, despite it being absurd and futile.
MONICA: Wait, you know about that?

Monica shoots Lorelai a filthy look.

RORY: I've been told by the other member.
LUKE: (to Rory); How is Lorelai's loitering against the rules?
RORY: She is discrediting Monica's presence by trying to avoid it all together.
LORELAI: I wasn't trying to do that.
LUKE: Sure.

Lorelai eyes him and he looks back at her with the same fierceness.

LORELAI: Aren't you supposed to be taking my order?
LUKE: What do you want?
LORELAI: Do you think I could get a coffee and scrambled eggs and toast to go?

Luke laughs and strolls off. Monica returns to eating her pancakes.

RORY: Mom, you have plenty of time to sit here and play happy families with Monica before you go to work, whereas I have to get to school. Monica, true to her tourist commitments, has the whole day to sit here and play happy families.
LORELAI: I might want to play happy families with Michel.

Rory laughs. Monica chokes on her pancakes.

RORY: (to Monica); Are you okay?

Monica nods gratefully as she CLEARS her throat.

LORELAI: (annoyed); She's fine. Eat some more. Choke on that.
RORY: Mom--
MONICA: (to Lorelai); Choke on your tongue.
RORY: Hey! Both of you shut it. Keep me out of your war of words.
MONICA: Ror, it's just going to start back up when you leave.
RORY: It's called blind faith. Besides, I have eyes and ears in here and one word even tinged with a sinister tone is going to get back to me.; (shouts); Isn't that right everyone?

All of Lukes customers AGREE.

RORY: (victoriously); It's good to be the darling of the town.

CUT TO:

INT: INN, KITCHEN - DAY

Lorelai leans against the kitchen counter while Sookie puts the remaining touches to a gigantic chocolate cake. Lorelai sneaks a piece of icing when Sookie's not looking.

LORELAI: So I sat there across from the devil herself, thinking about all the different reasons I could make up to get out of there as fast as possible.
SOOKIE: You used the 'left the front door open' card, didn't you?

Lorelai hits her forehead and Sookie grins, attention turning to the missing areas of icing. She scowls at Lorelai, who feigns ignorance.

LORELAI: What's wrong with my daughter? She never wet the bed and to my knowledge she hasn't mutilated and or killed any small animals so I don't understand this new found association with a serial killer. Although it's not really surprising with the grandparents she has.
SOOKIE: Not really.
LORELAI: Do you remember me dropping her as a baby? Did I ever black out while holding her?
SOOKIE: Not that I recall.
LORELAI: Did she ever black out from seeing Kirk naked? Or Luke? Oh my God, it was that two minutes I left her alone with Taylor when she was ten months old. God, all I wanted was some cheesy sticks and peanut butter!
SOOKIE: Shame on you for choosing cheesy sticks over your daughter.
LORELAI: I had cravings.
SOOKIE: You just said Rory was ten moths old.
LORELAI: Just you wait for your 4 in 4. You'll understand the need, THE ABSOLUTE NEED for cheesy sticks and peanut butter. It's a weird enigma. Just like Rory locating a good friendly bone in Monica Reyes.
SOOKIE: She seemed okay when I talked to her.

Lorelai's shocked.

LORELAI: You spoke to her? When was this? And why? You're supposed to be sticking with me on this one.
SOOKIE: But she paid for half my lunch on Sunday when I wanted the club sandwich and the chicken fillet.
LORELAI: Why?
SOOKIE: Because I couldn't decide which one I wanted more.
LORELAI: Not the food--why didn't you just ask Luke to leave it
for a day?
SOOKIE: (panicking); I have a tab complex! I think that somehow, mysteriously, what I owe is going to multiply by itself, then triple and it'll get worse and Luke will sue because I couldn't pay him and then Jackson--

Lorelai grabs her shoulders startling Sookie back to reality.

LORELAI: --Ok honey. Calm down. This isn't Scrubs.
SOOKIE: Oh--I would've gone on and on and on.
LORELAI: Yes you would've--but you owe the devil so it pales in comparison.
SOOKIE: Damn! Can you spare me for a bit?

Sookie steps away from Lorelai towards the kitchen door, pulling off her apron.

LORELAI: Why?
SOOKIE: I'm going to pay my dues.

Sookie walks out. Lorelai turns her attention back to the cake, taking a large chip of icing and happily enjoying the taste. A moment later Sookie rushes back in, sweeps the cake out from under Lorelai before the taller woman has time to process it and walks back out. On Lorelai's glum look:

CUT TO:

EXT: GAZEBO - DAY

Monica sits, counting the money she has in her wallet. She unhappily tosses the wallet aside.

MONICA: (to herself); Perfect... not only am I running from work, I'm running with hardly any money. Can my life get any better than this?

Lorelai steps up the gazebo stairs and takes a seat opposite Monica.

MONICA: Let me guess. You're exercising your right to sit anywhere in this town?
LORELAI: Yep--and I wanted to say something to you without anyone here to interrupt.
MONICA: If you're gonna threaten to kill me if I don't leave Stars Hollow then don't bother. There's scarier things in this world that have been thrown at me and you're just gonna look stupid in contrast.
LORELAI: I was actually going to pay you for buying Rory that book on Sunday.

She pulls her purse out and looks inside.

LORELAI: Something about owing Satan unnerved me a little too much this morning.

Lorelai pulls a fifty spot from her purse and offers it to Monica.

MONICA: Ha ha--it was a gift so I don't want your money.
LORELAI: Take it. Then you won't have anything over me.

She waves the money but Monica still refuses to take it.

MONICA: Well, I REALLY won't accept it now.
LORELAI: Take it! You took Sookie's money!
MONICA: Because it was a loan. This isn't.
LORELAI: (shouting); You are now OFFICIALLY the most annoying person I know!
MONICA: (sarcastically); Can I get a certificate for that? Or a medal?
LORELAI: You're now above my mother on the 'people I want to strangle' list. Believe me when I say that in and of itself is a BIG deal!
MONICA: I bet you're on the top of her list too. Maybe when I meet her she can promote me as her long lost daughter, because obviously the other one's a dud.; (she grabs her wallet and stands, sizing Lorelai up); Till then though, wrap the money around the stick up your ass.

Monica shoves past her and jumps down the stairs, grimacing the whole way.

CUT TO:

INT: DINER - MINUTES LATER

Monica hurries in, slamming the door. Luke turns to see and is surprised to find Monica huffy and annoyed.

MONICA: Luke! Please tell me you will be the character witness in my defence when I'm on trial.

She slumps into the seat in front of him.

LUKE: For what?
MONICA: Butchering Lorelai Gilmore to death.
LUKE: Why is it that we have two very different opinions of her?
MONICA: Does that mean you won't be? Do you think Kirk will?
LUKE: You trust Kirk?
MONICA: He's on my side. Why is that woman so difficult?
LUKE: You've taken that side of her the wrong way.; (beat); Enjoy.
MONICA: Stop being so--whacky. It's bothering me.
LUKE: I'm trying to sit on the fence.
MONICA: With a leg in both paddocks. I bet that's comfortable for little Luke.

Luke reddens, turning away from Monica.

MONICA: Oh my god! Did you just blush?!
LUKE: No--I just realised how hot it is in here.

Monica's unconvinced but lets it be, beaming at Luke when he turns back to her.

MONICA: So--where was I?
LUKE: Complaining about Hitler.
MONICA: Right. She just tried to pay me money because I bought Rory a book.
LUKE: You didn't take the money?
MONICA: No. I don't want anything she's touched.
LUKE: Then you'd better float around in the air because she's touched every surface in here.
MONICA: Damn! I forgot to borrow Michael J Fox's hover board. Nothing is going right here!
LUKE: Hey! You met me, right?
MONICA: Don't be so egotistical.
LUKE: I think I've got the right. Two women are fighting for my affections and approval. They think it's their job to one up each other, so the vanity in the air is rubbing off on me.
MONICA: I take offence to that.
LUKE: You were supposed to.; (pause); Did you want anything while I'm here?
MONICA: Some garlic to warn off the evil that lurks in this town.
LUKE: Fresh out of that. We just got rid of a few Donny Osmond fans with it. Sorry. Any food?
MONICA: Nah--I can't afford too many meals. You wouldn't happen to know if there's any jobs around here?
LUKE: You're strapped? I thought you said you had an office job back in Washington that paid well.

Monica clams up a bit, barely nodding.

LUKE: Do you wanna spend a couple of days waitressing?
MONICA: Waitressing where?
LUKE: Here.
MONICA: Here?
LUKE: Am I stuttering?

Monica lets a smile slip.

MONICA: No--you want me to work for you?
LUKE: Do you need the money?
MONICA: Yes. I haven't been in the food industry since I was sixteen though.
LUKE: Big deal. Be here at seven tomorrow morning and I'll start you off. At least then you'll have an excuse to act like you're sixteen.
MONICA: (excited); You're kidding, right?

Luke shakes his head.

MONICA: I get to work with you?

Luke nods.

MONICA: I'm honoured.

Monica leans over the counter, reaching for Luke. She grabs his face and kisses him on the cheek before rushing out the door.

CUT TO:

INT: GILMORE HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

Lorelai walks out of Rory's room into the kitchen and pours herself a cup of coffee, while the sounds of The Eurhythmics filter through. She turns and leans against the counter, looking down into her coffee.

RORY (OS): I just don't understand you.
LORELAI: You're my daughter--you're a least supposed to look like you do.

Rory walks out of her room with an open book in her hands. She sits down and looks expectantly at Lorelai. Lorelai hands her a cup and spins around to pour a second cup of coffee, MUTTERING under breath.

RORY: I asked you to make me a coffee and you avoided doing it, so you're simply wasting your own time.

Lorelai turns around and sits opposite Rory at the kitchen table.

LORELAI: I wasn't mumbling at you. I was mumbling at your choice of friends.
RORY: Lane won't be impressed by that. Apparently in some countries drumsticks are classified as weapons.
LORELAI: I was talking about Judy Garland.
RORY: (concerned); Hang on--Monica's depressed? Did she tell you that?
LORELAI: Ok, bad reference. Is there any bitchy divas that don't have mental problems?
RORY: J.Lo?
LORELAI: That's an insult worse than Judy Garland, and frankly I'm a little surprised that I think that.
RORY: I bet J.Lo would be too.; (pause); What's your problem with her?
LORELAI: Other than she's with Ben 'not as cute as Matt' Affleck?
RORY: (sighs); I was talking about Judy Garland.
LORELAI: See? Just forget the whole sleeping pills rehab part of Judy and concentrate on the bitchiness.
RORY: Apparently that legendary bitchy exterior was a fabrication from the people that hated her for being an all-around better person.

Lorelai opens her mouth to answer but Rory gets up with book and coffee and walks back into her room.

LORELAI: (irritably); What's so special about that book anyway?

CUT TO:

INT: LUKE'S DINER - MORNING

Monica walks in, bright and chirpy, bouncing with energy. She enthusiastically hugs Luke when she gets to him.

MONICA: Thank you again.
LUKE: Promise me you won't accidentally pour coffee into Lorelai's lap when she comes in.

Monica snaps her fingers in defeat.

MONICA: Ok--give us a minute.

Monica disappears upstairs.

CUT TO:

INT: DINER, UPSTAIRS - CONTINUOUS

The door bursts open and Monica checks out Luke's apartment.

MONICA: Nice.

She walks to Lukes chest of drawers across the room and goes straight for the second drawer. From there she grabs a flannel shirt, putting it on and tucking it into her jeans. Monica squints her eyes as she opens the top drawer, breathing a sigh of relief when she sees nothing suspicious.

MONICA: Boxer man. Free will. Add a 'y' and it's X-rated. Then add a dolphin and you've got a really bad movie.

She pulls an old green cap out and puts it on backwards before heading out.

CUT TO:

INT: INN, FOYER - MORNING

Lorelai hides a yawn and looks suspiciously sideways as Michel is heard SPEAKING enthusiastically in French. He notices and meets her eyes, raising his eyebrows in annoyance.

LORELAI: Can you remember where the hotel and inn portfolio is?

Michel's not impressed with the interruption.

LORELAI: Ok, once more. Michel, do you know where the folio is? Because I'd like to know how many cut-outs we have left. Maybe we can play cut-out together because it's quite possible that you'll need all the cut-outs you can cut out so you can locate another job for yourself.

Michel sighs and initiates a goodbye in French, replacing the phone.

LORELAI: Now that you're off the phone you can help me find the folio.
MICHEL: Maybe you should be looking for your patience and politeness.

Lorelai smiles at him sarcastically.

LORELAI: While we're searching for them, we can locate your reliability, promptness, caring nature and that damned American accent you've failed to pick up.; (beat); Do you know where the portfolio is?

Michel bends down out of sight and Lorelai follows his move, the sound of cabinet doors slamming. He stands back up with a black folder and practically throws it at Lorelai.

LORELAI: Was that so hard?
MICHEL: It concerned you, so yes.
LORELAI: (sarcastically); That politeness of yours is right at the top of my priorities. I'll go look for it now. Oh, wait. I think you can find it yourself.

CUT TO:

INT: INN, HALLWAY - LATER

An empty hallway. Lorelai rushes down, carrying loose papers in her hands. She stops at a door and slips them under it, rushing back the way she came.

CUT TO:

INT: ROOM 18 - CONTINUOUS

The papers lay on the floor. They're a range of Hartford hotel brochures. Among them is a hand written note, which reads:

I THOUGHT THESE MIGHT BE OF INTEREST TO YOU AND YOUR INNER GYPSY. HOPEFULLY THAT GYPSY WAKES UP AND DECIDES IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.

CUT TO:

INT: DINER - DAY

Monica serves Kirk.

MONICA: So, I've got Belgian waffles with golden syrup and ice cream, a chicken and lettuce sandwich with no butter, and an orange juice with a lemon in it. Are you planning on eating all of this?
KIRK: What else would I be doing?
MONICA: Throwing the waffles at Doosey's and washing your underwear in the orange juice?
KIRK: (to himself); Will I ever be served here without criticism?
MONICA: Luke never leaves you alone?
KIRK: There was that morning--

Close on Monica drawing as the sound fades out. It's a drawing of Kirk, an abysmal frown sketched over his face.

LATER

The face transforms into a cheery lady with a huge smile. Scribbled underneath is the name Patty. Her order: French toast.

LATER

The face transforms into a drawing of another lady, half her hair straight and the other half curly. Scribbled above is the name Babbette. Her order: burger with the lot, no dead cow.

LATER

The drawing transforms into a picture of a bearded man with stern facial features. The name Taylor is written carefully, the 'T' darkened to the point of ripping the paper. His order: a coffee with no sugar in it. That means you Luke.

LATER

The drawing transforms into a younger woman with shoulder length hair. The order: coffee and a bagel.

LORELAI (OS): Did I say it slow enough for you?

Monica begins to scratch a Hitler moustache.

LORELAI: Because I can say it once more if need be.
MONICA: How generous of you.
LORELAI: I know--so is there anything else because some of us have lives to get to.

They give each other fakes smiles. Monica walks off, drawing devil horns as she goes.

CUT TO:

INT: INN, FOYER - NIGHT

Monica sneaks down the stairs, careful with her steps. She heads straight for the front desk, opening drawers and searching through them. She locates a length of blu-tak in one drawer then finds a stack of blank letterhead paper in the below cupboard. Monica stops a moment, looking out into the darkness before walking back towards the stairs.

CUT TO:

INT: ROOM 18 - LATER

On the wall are Monica's drawings of the townspeople. In the centre is Lorelai's picture. Monica sits on the bed looking at them, paper steadied on a magazine in one hand and a pencil in the other. She starts to draw.

END ACT TWO

ACT THREE

FADE IN

INT/EXT: GILMORE HOUSE - MORNING

Lorelai rushes down the stairs, frantically playing with a button on her blouse.

LORELAI: (shouting); Rory! We're going to be--

She finds Rory eating breakfast at the kitchen table, completely dressed and awake.

LORELAI: --late.
RORY: Morning.
LORELAI: Why didn't you wake me?
RORY: Because I played with your alarm clock. It's half an hour fast.
LORELAI: What? You mean I could still be kissing George Clooney on the banks of the Seine?

She sits down and grabs Rory's cup of coffee, downing it in one gulp.

RORY: That's insane.
LORELAI: Well, we weren't IN the Seine, just on the banks of it. Although there was that other dream where Johnny Depp and I were swimming--
RORY: --Ok, ok. Enough said.
LORELAI: Don't touch my alarm clock again.
RORY: I was making sure the grown woman in you still had a back up plan.

Lorelai's baffled.

RORY: You said you were a grown woman so you should be able to accept the responsibilities that come with adulthood, like waking up on your own and being respectful to EVERYONE. It means that you should have a level of maturity that deflates the need to criticise other people, in particular someone who, without me and your rich parents, is exactly YOU.

Lorelai's still baffled.

RORY: Monica.

Lorelai GROANS and rubs her forehead.

LORELAI: Why is this so important to you?
RORY: Because before you even saw her face you were insulting her. You gave Skip ten minutes of your undivided attention before you ran him out of town. Monica didn't even get that.

Lorelai stands and walks out into the entrance. Rory follows.

LORELAI: This is getting so repetitive I'm leaving.
RORY: Don't you see a pattern emerging?

Lorelai grabs hold of Rory as she struggles with her shoes. Rory shrugs her off and zips up her school bag instead. Lorelai's not amused.

LORELAI: There's a pattern in your behaviour.
RORY: You've taken an immediate disliking to the new inhabitants of the town because there's some minor quirk of theirs that's rubbed you the wrong way. With Skip it was his sweet yet disarmingly weird compliments, with Rachel it was her perky nature--
LORELAI: With Rachel it was Luke.
RORY: And with Monica it's Luke again. It's ridiculous.
LORELAI: We don't get along. It's as simple as that.

Lorelai grabs her bag and keys and opens the door, Rory hot on her heels. She shuts the door firmly.

OUTSIDE

The two walk down the stairs, Lorelai in front.

LORELAI: There's no reason why we don't get along. Some people just aren't supposed to hang out together. Luke would like to think he's the reason why she's my Lex Luthor.
RORY: She's not that bad.
LORELAI: That's because you're Lana Lang and you see the goodness in everyone. Sometimes life isn't so peachy.
RORY: You're the one that's made your relationship with her into a really bad apricot jam.

Lorelai screws up her face.

LORELAI: You've got some weird analogies. Everyone needs to know we're not going to get into some Drew and Cameron comradeship.
RORY: Because of Luke.
LORELAI: Not because of Luke. Because she's rude, obnoxious and stubborn.
RORY: We hate the faults in others because we know they're in us too.

Lorelai frowns.

LORELAI: I'm not obnoxious.

Rory looks at her, not needing to answer. Lorelai wraps an arm around her daughter and the two continue walking in silence.

CUT TO:

INT: DINER - MORNING

The Diner's ragingly busy. All tables are occupied and there's a line of people from the counter to the door. Luke is running around while Monica watches through the window as Lorelai and Rory see each other off. Her CUSTOMER, a severe looking man with greying hair holding the diner menu, CLEARS his throat.

MONICA: Sorry.
CUSTOMER: (rapidly); Look lady. I don't care what's out the window, only that you're wasting my time by looking that way. Now--this French omelette, can I get extra bacon in it?

Monica, discouraged, scribbles down the order.

CUSTOMER: Also I'd like it to be cooked on a clean pan with canola oil rather than cooking oil. I want a side of toast, lightly browned and definitely not burnt. I hate burnt toast. I'd like the toast with no butter but with peanut butter, only accompanied on the side so I can spread it on the toast myself. Add a cup of tea onto my order. Bring us the tea bag separately though, as I like to count. And don't forget the milk either, separately of course.

Monica finishes - FINALLY. She skims the page before looking at him nervously.

CUSTOMER: Did you get my order?
MONICA: I'm sorry Sir--you wanted how many pieces of toast?

He glares at her.

CUSTOMER: I told you already--do you have some sort of disorder? Dyslexia or something?

Monica stays calm, but she's clearly sick of him.

MONICA: No I don't Sir.
CUSTOMER: (loudly); Well I think that generally, most humans would've been able to follow my order. So I'm assuming that since you missed the easiest order in the world, there has to be something mentally wrong with you.

A few customers tune in. Luke looks up from his customer and listens.

MONICA: There isn't Sir. Now you had a French omelette--
CUSTOMER: --Don't try to read back the order in the hopes of trying to get me to repeat myself. I suggest that after you get my breakfast you buy the local paper and find yourself a job that you have the qualifications for. A job that a monkey could do.

Monica just takes it. Luke angrily looks to his customer.

LUKES CUSTOMER: Go ahead. Put the schmuck in his place.

Luke wickedly nods. He soldiers around the counter and confronts the trouble.

CUSTOMER: Good--maybe you'd be able to serve me a little better than this lady. I'll have--
LUKE: --Nothing. Get out of my diner.
CUSTOMER: What?
LUKE: You heard me--I'm not serving you and neither is Monica.
CUSTOMER: You can't do that.

Luke looks to Monica who's grateful. Luke grabs the customer by the arm and throws him out of the diner. Monica is pleased.

LUKE: (loudly); Everyone, listen up. The same will go for anyone else who abuses my staff. Wait to be served or go somewhere else.

Most of the customers waiting scamper out the door in response. Monica mouths a "thank you" at Luke and they smile, the remaining customers APPLAUDING Luke.

CUT TO:

INT: INN, KITCHEN - DAY

Lorelai walks into the kitchen and heads over to Sookie. They look in the fridge and see wine bottles. They're not happy.

LORELAI: There's some missing. Don't tell me Roberto's been
gettin' smashed again.
SOOKIE: I'm afraid to say he's had access to the kitchen all day and he's the only one who likes getting boozed up.
LORELAI: We all like getting boozed up from time to time, but he's going to excess.
SOOKIE: This is ridiculous. Why don't you just ask him if he took the wine?
LORELAI: But this is your kitchen!
SOOKIE: I get freaked around hung over people! Don't you remember Christmas of 1997 with Taylor? It's a wonder I didn't break out in hives that night!
LORELAI: Especially with that bunch of Dutch people arriving the next day. I swear our problems surface when Europeans stay here.
SOOKIE: And now it's the Germans. Maybe I should check the amount of sausages we have--Roberto might have got into them as well.
LORELAI: Forget that--find me some chocolate instead. My daughter's giving me a headache and I feel better with chocolate. Advil is so overrated.
SOOKIE: What exactly is she doing?
LORELAI: Waxing rhapsodic about all things Monica Reyes. It's driving me nuts.
SOOKIE: Maybe you need to look like you're entertaining the idea of being friends with her.
LORELAI: Well I need to do something before my head implodes.

They both look into the fridge.

LORELAI: I'll go fire Roberto. That should help.

CUT TO:

INT: DINER - DAY

The place is empty apart from Luke, Monica and a customer. Luke hands the customer the bill and walks back to Monica.

LUKE: I think the town set a new world record in Chinese whispers.
MONICA: Hopefully Jack Nicholson never possesses your body again.

Luke smiles and the lone customer stands up, rushing out the door. Luke gets the money she's left.

LUKE: Maybe Jack should come back more often--; (holding up a fifty dollar bill); --she only ordered a coffee.
MONICA: Beware of the Luke monster.

Luke offers her the money but Monica refuses.

MONICA: I thought you were going to pay me next Monday?
LUKE: Think of this as your Christmas bonus.
MONICA: It's a little early.
LUKE: It's an incentive for you to stay. You're doing a great job. Now take the money before Jack returns.

Monica takes it with a tinge of fear. Luke smiles anyway enabling Monica to relax ever so slightly.

CUT TO:

INT: INN, FOYER - DAY

Lorelai is at the front desk when the door opens and an endless procession of Germans in traditional garb enter. A tall, well built man walks up to Lorelai.

LORELAI: Willem?

The man nods and holds out his hand. Lorelai takes it. Willem proceeds to shake her hand with such enthusiasm that Lorelai's shoulder gets a major workout.

WILLEM: (heavily accented); Nice to meet you Frau Gilmore.
LORELAI: Nice to meet you too Willem. How was your trip?
WILLEM: I'm sorry to say our driver Friedrich ate a bad sausage casserole on Monday and has been violently ill since.

A shorter man behind them SPEAKS up in German in obvious distress.

WILLEM: Where's your closest restroom?
LORELAI: (pointing down the hall); Down there, second door to your left.

Friedrich rushes off that way.

WILLEM: As you can see, he isn't well enough to drive. I told him American casseroles aren't good for us Germans. That is getting off track though, isn't Frau?
LORELAI: Please call me Lorelai. I always picture the word associated with spinsters.

Willem doesn't get it.

LORELAI: (sighing); It's an American thing.
WILLEM: That's what the rental bus manager said when he called our traditional dress a cross between Little Kim and Anthony Kiedis.

Lorelai winces but smiles to hide it.

LORELAI: That's an interesting combination.
WILLEM: These two are Americans? I have never heard of them.
LORELAI: One's a weapon of mass destruction and the others a singer. Or a really bad rapper depending on how you look at the world.

WILLEM still doesn't get it. Lorelai SIGHS quietly.

LORELAI: How about we get the troops into their rooms?

CUT TO:

EXT: STREET - DAY

Monica solemnly walks. On her way, she pulls out the fifty dollar bill and looks at it, a gleam in her eye. She shoves it back in her pocket and looks across the street at Mick's Liquor.

MONICA: Saves me getting hooked on cigarettes again--and it might make the night with a Gilmore all the more enjoyable.

CUT TO:

INT: INN, KITCHEN - NIGHT

Lorelai and Sookie are looking in the fridge.

SOOKIE: Another one. Did you touch any of the wine? You haven't seen Monica all day.
LORELAI: I haven't touched a drop.
SOOKIE: I liked Roberto--he held doors open.
LORELAI: I liked him too but we can't have a drunk chef. I'll ring him now and let him go.

A loud shifting NOISE from upstairs is heard and the two look at each other.

SOOKIE: Who's rearranging the furniture?

Lorelai rolls her eyes.

LORELAI: Please tell me you were hiding more chocolate this afternoon in the hopes of keeping it from me. I need it NOW.
SOOKIE: Honey, you're gonna end up with a pizza face if you don't--; (noticing Lorelai's glare); --ok, I'll have it ready with a coffee when you get back.
LORELAI: Thank you.

Lorelai walks out of the kitchen and heads to the front desk. The shifting NOISE is there again and Lorelai frowns deeply as she picks up the phone and dials.

LORELAI: Roberto? We need to talk.

The shifting NOISE sounds again.

CUT TO:

INT: ROOM 18/HALLWAY - CONTINOUS

The room's a mess. Monica tipsily attempts to move a TV cabinet before returning to the wine bottle in her hand, drinking it like it's water. She empties it. Sickened by her self, she throws the bottle to the ground a few feet away, shattering it.

HALLWAY

Lorelai stomps down the hallway. She gets to Room 18 and knocks loudly. There's no response so she pounds her hand on the door.

LORELAI: If you don't answer the door I'll be forced to use the spare key, which might create all kinds of trouble if you belong to a nudist group. Or if you're a witch sacrificing some poor little furry thing.; MONICA (OS); Trust you to go to the extreme.
LORELAI: I'm coming in--better get some clothes on or wipe up the blood.

Lorelai goes to unlock the door...

ROOM 18

Monica stands and heads for the door, stepping right on the broken bottle. She CRIES OUT as the door opens giving way to Lorelai.

LORELAI: (startled); What have you done?

Monica staggers forward on her uninjured foot. Lorelai quickly grabs hold of her.

MONICA: Let go.

Lorelai helps her to the bed and they both sit.

LORELAI: You're hurt and you're gonna bitch--guess that's a new low for you.

Monica is silent, looking at her foot--there's a shard of glass there. Lorelai watches her.

LORELAI: I bet that hurts.
MONICA: Doesn't look pretty either.
LORELAI: Speaking of blood--you provided your own. There's some furry animal out there feeling very rejected now.
MONICA: I have a foreign object sticking out of my foot and I'm drunk. You'll have to excuse me if I don't find your humour amusing.
LORELAI: You're tipsy--not drunk. I know the difference.
MONICA: (sarcastically); Personal experience?
LORELAI: I don't find your humour amusing.
MONICA: Don't mock me.
LORELAI: Don't annoy me.
MONICA: Look, I'm sure you have all the time in the world to show off your extensive amount of vocabulary to anyone who will listen, but by the time you finish with me I'll have to get my leg amputated because gangrene has set in.
LORELAI: Guess I wont keep you then--first aid kit's in the bathroom in the bottom drawer.

Lorelai stands and heads for the door. She stops at the broken bottle and looks at the label. It's the same type as the wine in the kitchen. Lorelai puts two and two together and spins around:

LORELAI: (angrily); I just fired someone because of you! The kind of termination that's likely to spin someone further into depression.
MONICA: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: Like you don't know--Roberto, the chef that made every one of your meals here, is an alcoholic. So instead of trying to support him in his tough times in the hope that he'd kick the habit, I automatically assume that he's gotten into the Inn's wine supply because we're down a couple of bottles. Now I find that it was Monica 'klepto' Reyes that had her fingers in the till--or the fridge to be correct.
MONICA: I bought the wine at Mick's.
LORELAI: The hell you did. It's direct from the vineyards in France.
MONICA: Or direct from Mick's hands at 30 bucks a pop. Of all the people that SHOULDN'T be selling--
LORELAI: (fuming); I'm not talking about him! You stole this wine from the Inn and as a result a damn good chef is jobless and penniless and probably drowning his sorrows in the booze and mumbling obscenities at a certain Inn manager who's blind and should trust her instincts and first impressions do last you know, because you're a shifty two faced cow. I want you out of this place by the morning. You can have your money back, but take your crap and get out of my town!
MONICA: I didn't touch your precious wine collection! I bought this at Micks and I don't know what it will take to prove this other than you ringing Kirk and confirming that I was indeed in his store to buy the wine.
LORELAI: Where's the receipt?!
MONICA: Who keeps receipts? Call Mick and ask him. Call Kirk and ask him. Call the President and ask him! I didn't take your wine. Get it through your thick head!
LORELAI: I don't have time to call any of them because I'll be on the phone all night begging Roberto to return to work!
MONICA: (angrily); Well, go and get on the phone if you're going to be all night and leave me alone with my bleeding foot! Having a screaming match with a piece of glass impaling a body part isn't a favourite activity of mine so you'll have to excuse me.

Monica stands up and carefully hops a few steps towards the bathroom. Lorelai turns that way and rushes into the bathroom ahead of her. Monica's peeved.

MONICA: I can get it myself. You have a phone call to make.
LORELAI: I could walk to town and back before you even got here.

There's a SLAMMING of a drawer. Lorelai walks out with the kit, grabs Monica roughly and pushes her back onto the bed.

MONICA: Hey--
LORELAI: Don't bother. Here's the kit. There's a pair of scissors in there if you want to slash your wrists. Just don't get any blood on the carpet.

Lorelai throws the kit at a shocked Monica and walks out, slamming the door.

HALLWAY

Lorelai slumps against the door. She tries to calm down, but is shell-shocked.

LORELAI: (whispers); Did I just say that out aloud?

She SIGHS and straightens before opening the door and walking back in.

CUT TO:

INT: GILMORE HOUSE - NIGHT

Rory paces near the phone, checking her watch. She finally grabs the cordless and dials.

INTERCUT:

Lorelai sits in the far armchair. She watches Monica as she prepares to pull out the shard of glass. The phone RINGS. Monica looks up and Lorelai follows the sound. She digs through the mess. She finds the phone and answers.

LORELAI: Independence Inn--Room 18.
RORY: Please tell me Monica is still alive and you haven't caused her harm.
LORELAI: She's still alive--just a little downtrodden.

Lorelai and Monica share a look.

RORY: What does that mean?
LORELAI: She's been moving the furniture here and stood on a broken... vase. Looks like she was a bit careless and knocked it over before standing on a stray shard.

Monica's surprised.

RORY: Ouch. How's she doing?
LORELAI: The chicken's stalling--but I'm sure she'll ask for my help soon. I didn't know you had this direct number.

Monica SWEARS under her breath. Lorelai looks her way and realises what's going on.

RORY: I didn't think you'd be there. I guess now that she's immobile--
LORELAI: --She's supposed to be there, isn't she?
RORY: (whispers); Yeah.
LORELAI: You thought, hey Mom's out so it'll all be okay, right?
RORY: Well, when was I supposed to see her? I'm at school all day and she's now working at Lukes and you don't exactly like being in her presence.
LORELAI: That doesn't give you the right to go behind my back.
MONICA: Lorelai--
LORELAI: (firmly); --I'm talking to my daughter.
RORY: Don't talk to her that way.
LORELAI: Was throwing a party her or your idea?
RORY: Mine--but it didn't happen so it doesn't matter.
LORELAI: It does matter--and we're going to discuss it.
RORY: Why should we? We'll just get to the same ridiculous conclusion where you're in the right and Monica's the devil incarnate. I get it--good night.

Rory hangs up. Lorelai listens to the DIAL TONE, dumbfounded.

MONICA: I planted the idea in her head--
LORELAI: --Just shh. My daughter has never hung up on me before.

Monica silently agrees with a frown and deliberately jerks the shard out of her foot, stifling a scream.

LORELAI: I didn't mean permanently damage your foot in the process.
MONICA: I stopped stalling--; (quietly); --and I'm not much of a skilled bandage wrapper...
LORELAI: How hard can it be?
MONICA: I've been known to faint at the sight of blood.

Lorelai moves to kneel by the bed. She finds some gauze and a good bandage in the kit and motions for a paling Monica to close her eyes.

LORELAI: That scissor comment earlier was too--
MONICA: --Morbid? I know.
LORELAI: Ok, hold this.

Monica takes the gauze and holds it to her foot.

LORELAI: I've hated people before, but I've never--
MONICA: Just--sshh. Hear that?
LORELAI: (whispers); I don't hear anything.
MONICA: (whispers); Exactly--I bet a little silence is lacking in the Gilmore world.

Lorelai's amused and offers a secret smile to the unseeing Monica. She finishes wrapping Monica's foot in silence and stands, glancing around. Monica opens her eyes and admires Lorelai's handiwork.

LORELAI: When do you plan on cleaning this room?
MONICA: And there it goes.

CUT TO:

INT: LUKE'S, UPSTAIRS - NIGHT

Luke faces the bathroom mirror. Next to his reflection is that of the bed.

LUKE: Ok, so I know that we haven't known each other for long, but it feels like I've known you a lot longer than I've known you--; (beat); --that sounds ridiculous.

Luke takes a breath.

LUKE: Look, if you want, we can go out for dinner sometime --damn, too casual. Who knew asking a woman out could be so hard?; (eyeing the bed in the mirror)

CUT TO:

INT: ROOM 18 - NIGHT

The room is clean. Monica sleeps on the edge of the bed. Leaning against the bed near her legs is Lorelai holding a piece of paper. Close on a detailed sketch of Lorelai on the paper. Lorelai gazes at the drawing, bewildered. She lets a smile escape and looks to Monica.

LORELAI: Just when I thought I had you figured out.

END ACT THREE

Stay tuned for Act 4 - the last one.