Monica Reyes does Stars Hollow

ACT FOUR

FADE IN

INT: ROOM 18 - MORNING

Close on Monica, asleep on the bed with a blanket over her. Pull back to reveal Lorelai asleep at the foot of the bed with the blanket over her as well. Monica stirs a little, pulling the blanket causing it to slip off Lorelai. Lorelai stirs and she does to Monica what Monica did to her. Monica pulls it a little harder, as does Lorelai. Their actions wake each other up.

MONICA

(whispers)

What happened?

LORELAI

(whispers)

Something weird.

MONICA

You wouldn't happen to have a guillotine handy?

LORELAI

You didn't drink that much--but there's a garden axe around here somewhere.

MONICA

Your daughters going to kill me, isn't she?

LORELAI

Yep.

MONICA

Good. Ba-bye headache.

CUT TO:

INT: INN, KITCHEN - MORNING

Lorelai walks in wearing a blue business shirt, the arms slightly too long for her.

LORELAI

Sookie!

Sookie looks up from mixing a large bowl.

SOOKIE

Did you just get here?

Lorelai walks over to her, playing with her sleeves.

SOOKIE

Wait--that's not your shirt.

LORELAI

It's the sleeves, right?

SOOKIE

No--Monica was wearing that shirt on Tuesday.

(beat)

Oh my god! You didn't!

LORELAI

No, I didn't kill her if that's what you're implying. A certain daughter of mine insinuated the same thing.

SOOKIE

Oh, I forgot about that. So she's fine?

LORELAI

Wait--what were you thinking then?

(beat; realizing)

Sookie! Gross!

SOOKIE

You're wearing her shirt. What am I supposed to think?

LORELAI

Not that! Rory thought I'd killed her and you think I slept with her. Did you consider that I may have simply made sure that the devil didn't A, stop breathing or B, bleed to death?

Sookie LAUGHS.

LORELAI

It's true! Just because I don't like her, doesn't mean I want her to die.

Sookie abruptly stops LAUGHING.

LORELAI

She was moving the furniture around last night, and she stood on a broken wine bottle.

SOOKIE

You mean?

LORELAI

Yes I do. I don't know how she got into the kitchen without being seen but it must have happened because there it was smashed on the ground.

SOOKIE

She was drunk? So you had a boozed up one night
stand?

LORELAI

Sookie! Let it go! We didn't sleep together. And how does wearing one's shirt mean you've slept with them?

SOOKIE

You went on about the subject for a full hour on my birthday.

LORELAI

I never said that.

SOOKIE

Yes you did--lateness and wearing others clothes means you're getting some, those were your exact words.

LORELAI

Was I tanked? Because I think I'd remember that.

SOOKIE

Maybe you're choosing to forget.

LORELAI

Probably.

Lorelai walks to the coffee pot and pours a cup. She looks up.

LORELAI

Where's Michel?

SOOKIE

Around somewhere. Why?

LORELAI

Making sure someone's around to RUN the place. I spent the night here and I only just called my daughter two minutes ago to let her know where I was. That's pathetic. When did I become such an irresponsible parent?

SOOKIE

When you started liking Monica Reyes.

LORELAI

She's my worst enemy!

SOOKIE

Why'd you stay the night to make sure she was ok?

Her face drops in thought. Sookie returns to the task at hand.

LORELAI

(to herself)

Sleeping with her is beginning to sound like a simpler explanation.

Michel rushes in and stalks over to Lorelai.

MICHEL

(feigning enthusiasm)

Now that you've actually decided to grace us with your wonderful presence--

(he notices how she looks)

--we might have to get those five homosexual guys to come in and totally re-model your look, because you look like you slept in a cardboard box.

LORELAI

They only clean up guys--maybe you could stand in for me.

Michel is horrified.

MICHEL

You have a phone call. A Mick Evans.

He storms off. Lorelai grabs her coffee before following him out the door.

CUT TO:

INT: INN, FOYER - CONTINUOUS

Lorelai walks through the kitchen door and rushes to the phone.

LORELAI

Hello?

(pause)

I guess this isn't a social call? Or are you trying to ask me out again, because I'd like to be frie--

(pause)

She called you?

(pause)

So she was telling the truth?

(pause)

Sure--I can pass that on. Thanks.

She hangs up, disgruntled.

LORELAI

Damn you Monica Reyes.

CUT TO:

INT: ROOM 18 - DAY

Monica swings the bathroom door open to reveal herself only in a towel. She SCREAMS at the sight of Lorelai on the bed. Lorelai almost spills her coffee.

MONICA

What the hell are you doing here? And when did you sneak off in my shirt?

LORELAI

I didn't have much to do when you finally wrapped the WHOLE blanket around yourself so I got up and went to work in your shirt.

MONICA

You're stretching it.

Lorelai crosses her arms over her chest.

MONICA

Oh, please. I'm the one standing here in a TOWEL.

There's an awkward silence, both unsure of what to say or do.

LORELAI

Don't you have work?

MONICA

Morning off.

LORELAI

You're injured.

MONICA

Thanks Einstein.

LORELAI

Call Luke and tell him you can't walk.

MONICA

Ah Luke, I stood on a broken vase that Lorelai made up in her head. Yeah, it was just to protect me from the monster that is Rory Gilmore because apparently she doesn't like friends who get drunk. The perfect chance for you to dump me in it and you bail out.

LORELAI

I'm freaked out by it.

MONICA

(quietly)

Me too--and I bet you're going to tell her when she gets home from school and you're here to give me a heads up to get out of the town. Thanks so very, very much.

LORELAI

You weren't drunk--so there's nothing to tell her.

MONICA

Then why was there a need to lie in the first place?

LORELAI

I'm a very complicated human being.

MONICA

That makes two of us. I guess normal people would say telling fibs for someone is a sign of friendship.

LORELAI

I guess normal people would. Although normal people don't stand for long periods of time only in a towel.

Monica sticks her tongue out and points to her clothes on the bed. Lorelai flings them her way and Monica catches them, hopping back into the bathroom. Lorelai beams into her coffee.

CUT TO:

INT: TOWN, BUS STOP - DAY

Monica sits alone at the bus stop, book in her lap. She has yellow ducky slippers on. A bus rolls up and Monica quickly opens the book, showing off the title "How to Say Sorry to a Teenager Without Losing Face". Rory steps off the bus and proceeds to LAUGH.

RORY

You can't be taken seriously with them on your feet.

MONICA

That's the plan--you know, I think the `for dummies' authors may have to release a book on how to understand the ways of the Gilmores. I'm stumped on how to go about it.

RORY

The thing is to keep it simple. Is this a library book?

MONICA

Bought it about an hour ago.

RORY Have you got the receipt?

MONICA

Your mother taught me one thing last night.

RORY

(lightly)

That's a foreign concept to me.

Monica smiles up at her.

RORY

Let's go get your money back--unless your foot is about to fall off.

MONICA

Your mother wraps a damn good bandage--and bandages a damn good rap.

(beat; on Rory's inert look)

Your mother's humour, not mine.

Rory helps Monica up and they start slowly walking. Monica limps along.

RORY

It's a wonder you're not bandaged from head to foot.

MONICA

I'm sure she's only an over the top doctor with her daughter.

RORY

She was over the top with you, just in a different way.

MONICA

(flatly)

She hung around to move furniture.

RORY

She won't admit it to you, but she stayed to make sure you were okay. Did you ask her to move the furniture?

MONICA

She suggested it.

Rory smiles.

RORY

She knew it'd be a valid reason to stay there.

Monica mulls it over.

MONICA

I never could figure out those damn rubix cubes--and now I can't figure your mother out.

RORY

Should I tell her you compared her to a chunk of plastic?

MONICA

It's a fairly decent comparison--those things are colourful and pretty. She's called me worse things. I assume she has.

(face dropping)

She has, hasn't she?

RORY

Nothing too negative.

MONICA

What use are you then?

RORY

Thanks.

MONICA

Hey, just kidding.

RORY

I know.

The two are quiet for a moment. Monica wraps an arm around Rory's shoulders.

RORY

I have a better metaphor for you.

MONICA

What's that?

RORY

You're my mothers splinter.

Monica looks blankly at her.

RORY

Ok--so splinters are annoying, right?

MONICA

Thanks.

RORY

Hang on. So they're annoying and they get under your skin, which leaves you with two options. You either locate some tweezers and bore a hole in your skin to get the sucker out, or you simply live with the discomfort until the discomfort goes away.

MONICA

You think your mother is getting used to me being under her skin?

RORY

I think a partiality has occurred between you two.

MONICA

But I liked hating her.

Rory looks at her, unconvinced.

MONICA

Ok, so it sucked.

They reach the bookstore.

MONICA

And the suckiness continues.

Rory grins and drags her inside.

CUT TO:

INT: INN, FOYER - NIGHT

Lorelai's at the front desk when Sookie walks over.

SOOKIE

Are you heading straight to the town meeting?

LORELAI

Do you think I can fit a shower, make up, dinner, seeing Rory, sharing in some witty banter with Luke and giving this shirt back to Monica in an hour?

SOOKIE

You've done more with less time before.

Willem walks over to them.

WILLEM

Evening Frau Gilmore and Frau Sookie.

LORELAI

Please call me Lorelai.

SOOKIE

She isn't married anyway.

WILLEM

Well, then it's Frauline Gilmore. Frau Sookie, you are married?

SOOKIE

Yes I am.

WILLEM

I am shocked to learn that Frauline is not married yet. You are not one of those OTHER ones, are you?

Lorelai doesn't understand for a second then figures it out. She vigorously shakes her head. Sookie doesn't get it so Lorelai gives her a pointed look.

SOOKIE

Oh--that.

(to Willem)

I asked her that this morning because that's not her shirt.

Willem's eyes widen.

LORELAI

(to Willem)

Anyway--I insist you call me Lorelai. It is my name of course.

WILLEM

I am truly sorry Lorelai--

(to Sookie)

--may I call you by your first name?

SOOKIE

Yes, you can call me Sookie.

WILLEM

But that is your surname.

SOOKIE

It's my first name.

WILLEM

It does not sound like a first name to me. It sounds like a Chinese dish.

Sookie's hurt.

LORELAI

Sookie's parents were hippies with a pot problem.

That cheers Sookie up.

WILLEM

They bought too many cooking implements in the sixties?

Lorelai and Sookie look at each other on the verge of laughter. They manage to stay professional.

LORELAI

Was there anything you came downstairs for Willem?

WILLEM

Yes there was. There is news around that you are having a town meeting tonight. Is this correct?

LORELAI

Unfortunately so.

WILLEM

You do not like them?

LORELAI

It's worse than seeing your mother in law.

WILLEM

My mother in law suggested we go.

Lorelai looks at Sookie who offers nothing.

LORELAI

I guess you'd better bring her along then!

CUT TO:

INT: ROOM 18 - NIGHT

Monica is under the bed, shoving her suitcases out of the way in search for something. She gives up and crawls out, limping over to the far dresser and searching through the drawers. She finds her scribblings of the towns people and takes a hold of the one of Lorelai with the devil horns. She looks at the picture a while before ripping it up. There's a quiet KNOCK on the door and Monica rushes to throw the rubbish in the wastebin.

MONICA

Who is it?

LORELAI (OS)

Who else would it be?

MONICA

Rory, Luke, Miss Patty, Sookie--

LORELAI (OS)

--Ok, I get the point. Are you gonna invite evil in or what?

MONICA

It'll be quicker if you use your key.

LORELAI (OS)

So now she wants me to use my key.

MONICA

Just get in here.

The door is unlocked and Lorelai strolls in, closing it behind her.

LORELAI

I've come to borrow clothes and use your shower.

MONICA

But you've already stretched that shirt and seen my towels.

LORELAI

Well, I'm gonna stretch out another and try out those towels for myself--they look cosy.

MONICA

What if I say no?

A moment passes. Both read each other and rush to the bathroom, Lorelai beating a hobbling Monica to the door. A moment later Monica's shirt comes flying out at her and she catches it awkwardly.

LORELAI

(singing)

Looks like I've got the bathroom all to myself.

MONICA

Wanna make a bet?

LORELAI

We might be getting on, but we're not getting IT on. So there's no need for you to disturb me.

Monica LAUGHS quietly and limps into the walk-in wardrobe instead.

CUT TO:

INT: TOWN - NIGHT

Lorelai and Monica stroll. Monica looks comfortable in her clothes and Lorelai is very uneasy in Monica's clothes.

MONICA

What kind of idiot doesn't drive to work?

LORELAI

An idiot like me--it was a nice day yesterday.

MONICA

You do own a car, right?

LORELAI

Hillbillies like me do own cars. You're such a city girl.

MONICA

You do lock your doors at night?

LORELAI

You never know when some strange Washington city roller will turn up. Now pick up the pace--we're already late.

MONICA

I can see you like to make an entrance.

Lorelai stops abruptly. Monica stops and looks back.

LORELAI

We can't arrive together. The town thinks we hate each other.

MONICA

Can't we prove them wrong?

LORELAI

We're going to look like Bill Clinton did when that dress made an appearance.

MONICA

Big deal. We'll be yesterday's news soon enough. Bill was.

LORELAI

(triumphantly)

I won't ever be yesterday's news.

MONICA

Of course you will be. You're a hillbilly.

LORELAI

And you're a city SNAIL. Now--get a move on.

They continue down the slow path into town.

INT: TOWN HALL - NIGHT

There's commotion in the hall. Most of the townspeople are standing at the back of the room, while the seats are occupied by the German tourists. There's a mixture of languages flying around the room as Luke and Rory fiercely guard the two spare seats between them. Taylor tries to start the meeting.

TAYLOR

I'm sorry, but the German tourists need to go. This is a town meeting for the towns people.

Willem TRANSLATES this in German, getting a heated response from his group. He stands up.

WILLEM

Frauline Gilmore said it was fine for us to participate in the meeting.

(he looks around in search of Lorelai)

Is she here?

Rory waves her hand to get his attention.

RORY

She's a little late.

LUKE

She's never arrived on time for a town meeting.

RORY

Can you blame her?

LUKE

No, not really. Should've followed her lead.

TAYLOR

(to Willem)

It's obvious you speak English so if you'd kindly tell your fellow countrymen and women that this assembly is closed to outsiders. Thank you.

(turning his attention to the crowd)

Now if I could just get the people at the back to proceed to the front in an orderly manner and take a spare seat as soon as possible, we can get this meeting started.

There's movement by everyone at the back but the Germans refuse to budge.

LUKE

I'll have to say I'm with the Germans on this one.

RORY

The war veterans here won't be happy to hear you say that.

LUKE

Neither would my dad. Sorry Dad.

TAYLOR

People! This is the last time I tell you. Vacate your seats or you will be in violation of--

LUKE

--Oh shut up Taylor, there's plenty of room for us all to co-exist. Besides, I thought you wanted the town to be the best town in all of Connecticut. Kicking these people out is not a good thing, because they're going to go home and tell all their German friends that they were forced out of Stars Hollow by a stuffy old man that didn't have a welcoming bone in his body.

(to Willem)

How you going with translation?

Willem finishes and holds two thumbs up at Luke.

TAYLOR

It's clear there isn't enough room for us all to be here Luke. Maybe you could leave your seat to someone that's going to contribute positively to this meeting.

MONICA (OS)

Yeah Luke--someone like me.

Monica and Lorelai appear from the crowd. Lorelai walks down to her spare seat and hugs Rory.

LORELAI

Are you really okay?

RORY

Promise you'll call BEFORE you leave me alone for the night and I'll be okay.

LORELAI

I promise.

The two smile. Monica and Taylor are at it.

MONICA

I'm a tourist too Taylor--does this no outsiders rule stand for me too?

TAYLOR

It certainly does.

MONICA

Albeit the possibility of me staying here and getting married and buying a house and having two point four kids getting under your nose?

LORELAI

(to herself)

Since when was that a possibility?

TAYLOR

Despite that possibility.

MONICA

What if I had a million town-related issues I wanted to bring up with you?

TAYLOR

Such as?

MONICA

The fact that the entire population of Stars Hollow is being dictated to by the a lame ass.

Both the towns people and the Germans LAUGH.

MONICA

There's also that issue of the cracked pavement outside Doosey's that is yet to be fixed and is the danger to everyone that walks into your store. You'd think that being the head honcho here would've given you some privileges like dipping into the town savings and fixing your own property--and covering your losses for the day.

There's WHISPERS around the room.

TAYLOR

This is the exact reason why I haven't been able to bring up the concrete issue at the town meeting-- because goody two shoes like yourself are forever getting in here and creating problems which in turn causes a backlog in the town problems that need to be discussed.

Willem struggles to keep up, but continues on.

MONICA

Oh, please. I'd say a two inch drop in concrete is a little more significant than discussing whether or not to touch up the paint peelings on the bins around town.

LORELAI

(to Luke)

She's doing well.

LUKE

Just wait till she knows ALL his tricks. She'll be like the Energizer bunny on Viagra.

LORELAI

Ew--bad visual.

MONICA

I'd like to know when this issue will be rectified.

TAYLOR

I'm afraid you don't live here so you can't demand such action.

MONICA

Well, looks as if you're wrong with that one Taylor. I am living here--I'm not moving back to Washington. This is my home as much as it is yours and thankfully the people here have welcomed me with open arms, which is all that I've ever wanted.

The crowd CHEERS. Willem finishes translating and there's a louder CHEER from the Germans. Monica looks to Luke, Rory and pauses on Lorelai. They admire each other until it seems they're at peace with each other. Monica takes a seat.

TAYLOR

Fine--live here. The truth is, I'm just trying to make sure that this town doesn't get overrun by money hungry city people hell-bent on causing trouble.

LUKE

You create half the trouble.

TAYLOR

You don't listen Luke. That's your problem. You have no respect for the values that your grandfather helped instigate into this town.

LUKE

My grandfather was a recluse and a drunk--probably because of your grandfather. He was a little too dependable on the booze, wasn't he?

TAYLOR

That's a blatant lie.

LORELAI

(quietly to Monica)

I bet those drunk episodes of his are getting closer together.

Monica CHUCKLES.

TAYLOR

Was there something you wish to add Lorelai? This whole meeting has been one big Seinfeld episode so keep the amusing dialogue rolling.

She nervously looks at Monica who silently urges her to speak.

LORELAI

I was just wondering if you were a closet drunk.

TAYLOR

Sorry to bust your bubble--but I'm not an alcoholic.

Willem LAUGHS in between his native language and Taylor looks down at him with disdain. A man pushes through the crowd and strolls halfway up the aisle. Lorelai recognizes him.

MAN

Don't worry Taylor--Lorelai will brand a name on anyone.

(to Lorelai)

Apparently enjoying a few drinks after a hard day at work makes you a boozer.

LORELAI

If it's happening every night.

MAN

So you think that's a reason to fire someone?

RORY

(to Lorelai)

You fired Roberto?

Monica answers for Lorelai with a nod.

LORELAI

Yes I do.

SOOKIE (OS)

So do I.

Sookie and Jackson emerge from the crowd.

SOOKIE

You were one of my best chefs--but you've been on this really bad slide lately and the alcohol is just getting too much for you to handle. Some of us can handle the liquor well--Lorelai does a great job and apparently Monica's good with it as well--but you're no good at it.

Sookie continues to ARGUE with Roberto while everyone except Taylor looks on in interest. Rory and Luke stare at Monica; they've caught on.

RORY

(to Monica; heatedly)

You were drunk?

LUKE

(to Monica; heatedly)

You used the money I gave you to buy booze?

Monica looks at Lorelai. They both know they've been busted.

MONICA

Let me explain--

ROBERTO

--Yes, let your friend explain why she's not going to be called the town alcoholic like me. I have the odd drink--

LORELAI

(angrily)

The odd drink? You came in drunk as a skunk yesterday! You five finger discounted the dinner wine!

ROBERTO

I bet you didn't suspect Monica.

Another man walks out of the crowd.

MAN

I'm afraid Lorelai did--but you can't really blame her, can you? I assume she was in quite a state after finding Monica with a slice of dinner wine bottle in her foot. It's all been cleared up now and she's in the clear. Aren't you Monica?

It's obvious that Monica and Lorelai are not in the clear. Rory looks hurt beyond repair and Luke looks extremely annoyed.

LORELAI

(to herself)

Damn it Mick.

RORY

(to Lorelai)

You said it was a vase.

(to Monica)

You lied to me. You both lied.

Rory stands up and brushes past the two, shrugging off Lorelai's hand. She pushes through the crowd and is gone. Lorelai wordlessly apologises to Monica and rushes out into the aisle.

TAYLOR

This is what happens when new people are allowed into town meetings.

LUKE/MONICA/LORELAI

Shut up!/Shut up!/Shut up!

LUKE

(to Monica)

You know what? You can shut up too. Every second word out of your mouth is a lie.

Monica's guttered by this. Lorelai glares at him.

LORELAI

(to Luke)

Are you dense Luke? It was me that refused to tell Rory the truth and Monica just went along with it. Don't treat her like dirt.

LUKE

When the hell did you two become so chummy?

LORELAI

I spent last night in her room. We clearly weren't ripping each other's throats out.

Willem stops mid-sentence.

WILLEM

Frauline--you told me you weren't one of those OTHER ones.

LUKE

(to Willem)

What are you talking about?

Luke realises what Willem means, along with everyone else.

LUKE

(to Monica)

You're gay?

(to Lorelai)

And you two--

LORELAI

(shouting)

No! Why does everyone think I'm a lesbian?!

WILLEM

You've never been married.

MICK

You've rejected a lot of boyfriends.

KIRK

You wear a lot of pants.

TAYLOR

Oh, for goodness sakes! Meeting dismissed. Nothing beats that!

Monica looks pissed and stands to confront Taylor. Luke grabs her as the two crowds merge and hastily head for the door. Lorelai struggles to get back to them but gets caught up in the crowd. Lorelai and Monica hold each other's sad gaze, before they're lost to the crowd.

CUT TO:

INT: GILMORE HOUSE - NIGHT

Lorelai sneaks in and closes the door, quietly slipping her shoes off and tiptoeing into Rory's room. Rory's asleep and Lorelai shuts her eyes for a long moment, exhausted. She finds the phone and dials as she slumps into the armchair.

INTERCUT:

Monica stares blankly into the darkness, Lorelai's pants and the unfolded sketch of her in her hands. She jumps when the phone RINGS and scrambles to get it.

MONICA

Is she okay?

LORELAI

(whispers)

How'd you know it was me?

Monica regards the drawing.

MONICA

Wild guess--I don't think anyone else will be calling me for a while.

LORELAI

(whispers)

Me either.

Silence.

LORELAI

It's not true, you know.

MONICA

Ok--I believe you.

Monica's tone betrays her and she discards the drawing. Lorelai's face slowly sinks.

On the deafening silence between the two:

FADE OUT